Not to belabor the point, but an example of using the ego in a positive manner would be having it serve as a motivational catalyst. Not just your ego getting triggered and motivating you to perform but instead, having someone else’s Ego motivate you. Confused? Well let me explain with an example from my personal history.

In 1994, I graduated form college in upstate NY and moved to Chicago where I started a career as a trader at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange then later at the Chicago Board of Trade.
After a few years and the relapse of a herniated disc in my lower back (L5 S1/2), I left the world of finance to purse a career in Sport Psychology and become a baseball coach.

In my eager (and desperate) search to learn about the field of Sport Psychology, I came across the name of a highly respected consultant in the field. He was the past president of the sport psychology association and he happened to live in Chicago. I researched his office address, went there, knocked on the door and introduced myself. Told him I was looking to learn anything I could about the field and would be honored to be an intern for him or just have the opportunity to learn from him whenever possible.

His response was remarkable. He told me I could not afford his time and that based on my GPA from college, it was clear, I was not smart enough to go into the field anyway so I should think about another career to pursue.

Shocked, hurt, angered, and disappointed, I smiled, thanked him for his time and I left.

It took me 15 minutes to walk back to my apartment. By the time I reached my room, I had decided that I would make a monumental impact on the field of sport psychology. I had no idea how; but I knew I would do it or fail trying.

His Ego-focused behavior towards me, became my motivation to go from good to great.

That was over 15 years ago. I have not seen him since that day. It took me years to get over being mad, hurt, insulted by his callousness. This was a guy I did not even know and it inspired me to throw caution and fear aside and push myself to achieve greatness…imagine the impact it may have had if it was a parent or friend who said this to me.

Sad to admit that his tremendous Ego and need to shove it in my face was what jump started my passion. I am proud to say, that once I got over the emotions of being mad and hurt, I was able to focus on my own reasons for achieving greatness as a peak performance coach.

I don’t for one second think I am unique in having this type of story in my history. In fact, I am willing to bet I am anything BUT unique in that respect. I bet many of you have a peer or teacher or parent who did a similar thing to you somewhere along the way.

Interestingly, some people have this experience and crawl into a shell thinking,

“maybe that person is right. Maybe I am too stupid.”

While others, take the alternate perspective and say,

“Screw that. Who are they to think that of me. I will show them how wrong they really are.”

I can’t tell you why I went the way of the latter rather than the former; but I can tell you it was a conscious choice I made and it clearly put me on the path I am today.

His Ego became my motivation.

I am not angry, or hurt or mad at him. Quit the contrary. I am grateful and thankful to him for being the person he was because it inspired me to become the peak performance coach I am today.

True story – and no, I am not going to divulge his name. His name is irrelevant but the gift he unknowingly gave me is priceless.

Dr Doug

Let’s be careful about making sweeping generalizations such as concluding that a person who has been beaten down their whole life will become anxious if their ego rears its head.

I would offer that people tend to be insecure, jealous and vengeful (when wronged) to begin with. And it seems that when we look at great achievers throughout history, their motivation or drive was a setback or being told they couldn’t do something that pushed them to allow their ego to express itself and transform from good to great. i.e. The earth was thought to be flat and someone managed to prove that belief wrong.

Of course, this does not apply to all people, but there are a lot of them that we all have heard about throughout history.

I am sure you all know a story or two about an engineer who was told that building something was “impossible.” And yet, that person went on to make it happen. Henry Ford’s engineers creating the 6 cylinder and then 8 cylinder engine come to mind.

Come to think of it, and correct me if my assumption is wrong – wouldn’t Ego be the essence of those who create things from imagination into reality.

Even though we hear the doubters, Ego is what allows us to ignore them.

Ego is what creates greatness and too much of it is what destroys it as well.

Ego is a good thing. A very good thing. At least until it reaches a tipping point and becomes a bad thing, a very bad thing.

But, given the choice of having an ego and taking the volatility that comes with it vs. not having an ego and just going through the motions – well, I choose the former as it makes life worth living. It makes energy, excitement, success and failure.

But the great thing is that if we are able to control our Ego (turn it on when it helps, put it in a box when it does not), then we realize we all get another chance to learn from our mistakes and try it again.

Dr Doug

I recieved this question from a reader. i thought it was a great question and wanted to share it with you all.

Dr Doug:
Do you think that the US population is beginning to realize that they are living outside their means? And rather than work and adapt we seem to feel entitled to live expensive lifestyles.

Here is my response:
Talking in general terms, yes, I do think there is a sense of entitlement among Americans. I think the vast majority of Americans live above their means (no matter how much they earn).

I have a client who manages a large portfolio. He has a young family and has earned over 10 million a year for the past 5 years. In one month, his business was decimated because of the market. It was not his fault and he did nothing different than had been for the past 5 years. Just bad timing. He was now facing the reality that he could only afford to maintain his current life style for another few years before he would have to “downsize.” I know, sounds crazy right. After all, you would like to think that having a net worth of over 30 million would imply you, your kids and your grandkids and then their kids don’t have to worry about money ever again.

Now, keeping things in perspective, downsizing to him meant having 4 people in help at his home instead of 8. It meant having 3 cars instead of 10. It meant buying a 5 million dollar home instead of a 25 million dollar one. It meant only having 2 vacation homes instead of 5 and it also meant flying first class commercial rather than private charter all the time.

Nonetheless, the point I am trying to make is that I have found that Americans in ALL income brackets lived, and still do live, above their means. Interestingly enough if we continue to give the advice of “don’t worry, the market will come back, or your house’s value will get back to ‘normal’,” then we are essentially telling people to continue to live above their means because it is only a ‘temporary’ situation. I don’t think this is temporary. I really think this is the new “normal.” And if you look through centuries of history, what you find is a few small pocket of massive growth and wealth while the majority of years are filled with average income levels. So, just because we happen to have lived through a period of massive wealth, does not mean by any stretch that we will see it again in our lives. In fact, it is much more likely for us to not see it again.

End result….swallow the lesson now and adjust your lifestyle and expectations. What is the worst that happens? I am wrong and we go back to massive wealth building a few years from now. Fine, call me an idiot then – but chances are if that happens none of us will care because we will be going back to spending excess.

But hey, what do I know.

Dr. Doug